today was...

Misty
and not that pretty mist that gently frolics upon your cheeks, but that mist that makes you feel sweaty. It was dark today. Nothing had life…no energy lived through each human body I encountered today. It was tragic. I have never seen such a dreary place like my school today. Ever. I hate these days.

On Life
My life lately has been this whirlwind of mass emotions. I don't feel like myself with these ups and downs. I practically yelled at my mother because she touched my hair. See, the little things are pissing me off lately. I don't like it. Somedays I'm excited to wake up and enjoy the day, but today, I just wanted sleep in with my pillows. Spring isn't starting off too well. My allergies are getting in the way, and it's never a good day when I lose my singing voice. I feel rather disconnected to my being without my voice. As for my speaking voice, forget it. I sound like a man…which brings my confidence level down x4000.

On Love
I met a guy recently. I have to say we're pretty much the same person. Like, if there were a boy version of me, he would be it. I spent some time talking to him over facebook chat (what a great way to communicate:sarcasm) and he's an awesome guy…too bad he's in a "relationship" I really don't know what that means, his idea of it at least. I don't know where I'd like to take this friendship, but I hope it goes somewhere and soon. Another guy, whose name shall not be revealed, was in my dream last night. In my head it was beautiful. He was my Finn and I was his Rachel. It wasn't anything sexual. You know when you envision a guy looking at you and his eyes are so intently set upon your face? Yeah, it was like that all night long. I didn't need him to say anything in my dream, but when I woke up I realized that it wasn't real…which is a shame. At school, I guess he's known for being an ass, but maybe I'm blinded by my perception of him that I don't see the real thing. Maybe I'm right…and their wrong.

On Sexuality
More and more each day, I'm finding out that mother dearest is always right. She told me verbatim, "Kendall, I'd like you to keep your promise to not have sex until, but I don't think that will happen." I wondered to myself if she thought I was a whore…or something to that extent. Nonetheless, she's right. As much as I'd like to hold onto this precious gift that I have it seems nearly impossible because everywhere I go, I see a boy and I automatically undress them in my mind. Crude? No. Curious. Absolutely. I'm not caught up in that "Notebook" sex, nor in that "Kim Kardashian sex tape" sex, but I would like to experience something. I don't know. I guess being intimate with someone scares me. I yearn for skin to skin contact (not the hand holding contact) but the real thing. The idea of being half naked with someone else creeps me out, yet it excites me. Is it so bad to say that I'd like for some guy's hands (that I like) caressing my back to the nape of my neck? No? It makes me laugh because I know most guys my age really just want to "get it in" but maybe I want to "get it in" Girls my age act like they don't want it…but they do because I want it too. awkward

Now If I could just get back to homework...

What's It Like?

What's it like to kiss someone three times only to have them ignore you?
What's it like to fall for your ex all over again?
What's it like to put on makeup everyday knowing that he won't look at you?
What's it like to feel something for an underclassmen but scared because you're older?
What's it like to feel like you're the glue that holds your family together?
What's it like to try your hardest in school but make average grades?
What's it like to feel that no guy on this planet would ever like you?

Welcome to the Girl World.
Enjoy.

Apology

I am so sorry that I have not had the time to blog. Junior year is really kicking my butt now. I'm so tired and exhausted from rehearsal that I can barely move. I basically run to my bed...and stay there! So I apologize for not being as active as I'd like. Spring Break is tomorrow so that's really good. Off to New York for college touring. Excited? not really. LOL. I may sound a little pessimistic, but you'll have to forgive me.
thanks!
kendall